Wow 2 years almost to the month. Insanity or maybe stress, follows all kind of cycles. Some we realize, some sneak up on us. Do we always follow full circle? Is it karma or fate or some kind of congruent triangle that sneaks on us. My daughter is now 7 almost 8 she speaks in math phrases of symmetry and congruency and laughs when I have to google them. She teaches me the hand slaps and rhymes of youth. "Brick wall waterfall, you think you got it all" poof attitude.. so much the same of my childhood yet so similar. Miss mary mack mack mack all dressed in Black black black.. yet still the same fears, how to fit in BFF's and now moving. Yes, the child of 4M's in 5 yrs is moving again. to an" I "state. The smooth family life will transition to Dad being the 8 am to 7 pm dad. Mom being the rest. I love being the "Be all Fun all" for her. the one who talks her through her fears of her first play. Bringing her her first dozen roses. ( trader joes) but still. Crying tears of joy and pride because she was so brave just to get up and do her part. I miss her dad who is working so hard to put a roof over our heads. I love the dad that he is. He misses it as well. I see that he doesn't know how to fit back in after he has been gone. It's so hard to make him feel like he never left. We know why he has gone. We have made a system to make the time go by. We count the days but as they go it is harder to fit him back in. No fault of his own. Thank you Darling for all that you do.

True Blue

So if you should ever doubt, wonder what life is all about, then please remember dear, those words I've whispered in your ear.. and they weren't I'm a material girl. So maybe I send mixed messages, Sure I like the night life I love to boogie, but I am a simple girl raised by parents that taught me mid-western values. I've found that in my life; it is more elegant and charming to show how thrifty one can be . 2008 is the backlash of the 80-90's. I've spent too much $$ on nothing. Big houses and cars have not brought me the happiness and the security I thought they would. Nothing replaces a good spouse and a few good friends. This is what life is about. So when your spouse still thinks that you are only based on $$$ after everything life has dealt you, you really wonder. Have you hid who you are so well you forgot to show the one who should know what you are all about who you really are? When you though you whispered, Should you have shouted?? How do you be an open book when so many pages have been ripped out? When you are most vulnerable how can you be brave enough to rip off the scabs and make a new start? me I guess. it is always ME. the one with the brave face who will mix it up. but I can't get the real message of who I am across.

she's come undun

I guess have evolved yet I forgot to send the forwarding address.
We are always measured by our past behavior. ( Thank you Dr.Phil) I am blessed with the ability of forgetting. today is all I know and all I am is who I am today. This is why I avoid my past. If I don't feel it or smell it, it doesn't exist . All I truly know is today and what I feel today. I was reminded that I once wrote a bible . oh the crazy egocentricity of a teenager ( I really don't remember what even was in it all I remember was a cartoon with a penis and a cape ) my friend at the time saw a midget and an Indian who would come put of her closet... I have heard an seen so much that I feel like I am the sane one .. Sanity is a state of mind. Those who feel they are truly sane are truly repressing. I know I have a different take on reality but your perception is your reality. Why can't it work in my favor for once? I see what other people don't see. Which really means I don't see the obvious. Just my own skewed view of the world.
Yet this is all I know, this is my reality. I hope those who love me see the beauty of who I am.
the lack of rage in my life. ODD?? The new point I make to bring peace to lives. The lack of chaos without boredom.. peace out may the force b with u

and she will be loved..

My 5 year old told me she doesn't like her skin and she is horrible. How do you tell your daughter, who is stopped on the street for being beautiful, that she is fine... We work so hard to bring stability to our families and teach our daughters that beauty lies with in our self. Then the world says the things we have fought so hard not to hear... This (I'm ugly) crap. We shelter them from bad TV. We feed them organic food and keep them from the harshness of the world.. How do we make them love themselves? The everyone is a winner doesn't work ... the I'm O.k. your o.k. doesn't work. The strongest do survive. How do we teach our children to be caring people, when the survival instinct and alpha cruelty gene is so strong. I am a survivor yet, I nurture. I am the Alpha female but I teach niceness.. if you people hurt my cub I will teach her to destroy you. Play nice and I will be nice if you don 't ..... really I just want to give my daughter a safe place , a place where she is loved . no matter what I will be there for her ... the good,the bad, the ugly. I am there and I will always love her. Life is one hell of a journey, with out someone in your corner. I will always have her back. I can't fight for her but I can say, bring your troubles, Mommy's here. snuggle in I'll listen.

How do you measure a month ?

In daylight, In minutes, in cups of coffee. So I still have my briefcase of unworthy feelings. I try to leave a little behind everyday at a client visit. I'm a salesperson in this new life. I can only sell what I believe in and right now I'm faking it. I once had a shrink say "you need to fake it to make it" What does that really mean? so once you get use to feeling a certain way it becomes comfortable so it's OK? I view the world as not a pretty place but if you look really close you find moments, small milliseconds, that make it worth while. Fragile fragments that make your heart burst in happiness and you hope you can store this feeling, this fleeting flash into your soul forever. something to reference when life really sucks. I have these moments when my daughter figures something out or when she swam for the first time by herself . Excitement!! When someone steps up and accomplishes something they have been shooting for.. I'm so tired of the news. It is even more depressing I think than before. How about a human interest story? What happened to hard work paying off? Are we so cynical we don't buy it anymore?? Kindness, Love and Little things.. Show someone you appreciate them. What happened to a thank you? Give a thank you or a smile a courtesy. If you can give a millisecond of time and compassion maybe someone will give some to you....

flipping M

So unlike the M states I am use to residing in, I visited a W state. I should have realized that it would turn my world upside down.. get it M W i guess it's not funny if I have to explain it. So I went on an exciting morale building visit to my company's headquarters. The meeting was great I drank the Koolaid, smoked the peyote. and saw and breathed the company vision.. Be nice to the customer talk to them and treat them nicely and they'll do business with us.. Damn I didn't need to drink the Koolaid.
I was stuck in the city an extra day and fell getting into a cab. So I go back to work inspired,hobbled physically, but ready to be nice. My Boss feels that I should have had more customers by now. All of my pre vision niceness doesn't count because, well you should undo 6 years of ignoring the customer by being nice for six months. That's how the vision works
I'm in my M state feeling M T.. so I need to make a new plan in my M world. How long will I be here in this state? who's to say? What do I do with this new baggage, a lovely corporate briefcase of feeling unworthy.. Do I unpack it or just put it in an overnight and look for a new space..

beginnings

Let's start at the very begining. A very good place to start. When you begin you should begin with ABC but that's not me
I'll start with MN. that's the first M in 5years. So I have lived in 4 M states in the last 5 years. yep
So I don't qualify for a game show but if the writers strike doesn't end soon I just might start my own.
Maybe a show on the discovery channel. instead of dirty jobs its packing moms or the quest to nest.
That's always the tough part of moving often ,rebuilding the feel of home. In Minn it was a joining of two homes into one. Deciding which set of glasses to keep. who had better knives? How many Tv's do two people need??? So it was a marriage. a lovely blending and merging but trying to keep some of the indentity we started with. and still having to decide what room his Mickey art work will live in.. give and take. so easy so simple then the surprise.

Baby Baby Baby.. yep and all of the accessories that go with one ...